REFLECTION:

I have not done anything really these last few days. On the 25th I worked on creating a webshrine for my worm-sona. On the 26th I drove the entire day, meet with my family, and then drove some more then got drunk at Universal studios with some close friends for a birthday. Following that I did "drink around the world" at Epcot in Disney World which I think was fun

It was also extremely stressful for me because I cannot really go more than an hour without a break and we were continously in loud and crowded enviornments. I am starting to think that maybe a career in a public field isn't for me, but I am unsure what else I would think is stimulating enough. Maybe it is that I like animation and art but I do not like the crowd of people who can and do go to disney parks. I think they are somehow too neurotypical. That is probably because it is mass market consumer product. I do not like the taste of the food they have there because it is too sweet, and I got a bit tired to drinking. Many of the best drinks I had were the ones which you might get in a regualar market store and not ones which everyone else seemed to like.

maybe the reason I feel so repulsed is because I could be doing things which are entirely of my choice. I rarely want to do things outside of my city which are in places which I have already been before. I rarely enjoy theme parks. I enjoy watching the shows at disney, when they are happening but most of the time is spent in line. Time not spent in line seems to be spent taking footage for people to post online or accidentally featuring in peoples Tiktok videos. I like being with my friends and family. I do not like planning, organizing, hurrying up to wait, and spending upsurd amounts of money on things which I do not care about.

I talked with some teenage co-ed cheerleaders in line because I felt the need to. Prior to that I watched them mimick my friend who was in a wheelchair, and also mimick me in the way that I would make robotic movements to get out of peoples way in line, because that is how my body moves naturally. They spent the time making tiktoks, and I kind of wanted to ask them to not add me to them. I thought I would start the conversation more casually, and ask them where they were from, and what they were doing there. They told me they were from Pittsburg, doing cheerleading for ESPN, but I knew that already because they had also told the person working at the door that to some extent. We had a good conversation and they did some of the normal trick stuff people do where they tell you lies, because they think you are pure of heart and autistic.

Lies such as "did you know So-and-so and Such-and-such were dating"

--"oh really are they? You look like brother and sister I would not have guessed."

"are you assuming just because he's in cheerleading that he is gay" -I must have given them the impression, or they gave themselves this impression.

--"no not really maybe it's the earring or something (joke offensive in text, fine conversationally.) There's nothing odd about being gay. "

"((later)) did you know that Such-and-such cheated on So-and-so with S___ (S___ being male, and gay) I found out and I just don't know how to break it to So-and-so."

well you should just be truthful to yourself, and figure out what is, and is not your business maybe bring it up to Such_and_such to clarify so that they can handle it amongst themselves."

**They bring me up to So-and-so and imply that I tell her, so following along with the roleplay. I get Such_and_such over and say,**

-- "I have been told that such_and_such, and I think this is none of my business, but I am being asked to tell you, cheated on you with S___."

Then the girl started crying faintly, which I did not expect, but this seemed to fade quickly, and everyone began punching, and fake slapping eachother. During her crying though, I looked around and asked everyone if this was a real situation, and if there was something actually wrong that needed to be handled. If I beleived it was real prior I maybe wouldn't have told her anything directly, because it was none of my business, but because it was roleplay, and I was involved it, was my business. It turned out that none of it was real and that the boy was actually gay, or atleast not wanting any of these girls in this group. Which is of course why they let him and eachother fake slap and punch eachother in the lines. Still, I feel that by breaking into actual sincerity I showed myself something that I would not like to really admit. I don't really understand those kinds of people, and interactions, and never have. When I have those kinds of interactions treat them as roleplay, but others treat them just as play. They might have all been playing and I was just todays friend. I enjoyed talking to them once I started too, because it is much harder to make fun of someone in good taste when they can talk and speak like you do.

with them I talked about my friends who are in gradschool, and the kinds of people I hangout with at home, and where I am from and how that works. It is harder to bully someone in good faith with information like this. It is also much easier to bully someone with these kinds of information, but it is much harder to distance yourself from the 'someoneness' of that person. I wish they each had something real to tell me, but it is hard when people only want to make jokes. This is a struggle with myself. Joking is such a powerful rhetorical device that you do not need to ever say anything true if you can make people laugh, but people always say things like "it is just a joke."

I remember asking them if they could not post any photos with me or my friend in them, and they sighed and looked away. Then I said that I could take a photo of them all together, and they seemed more ok with it.